The 2012 GOP Run for the White House is shaping up to resemble something of a spin-off from the Dem’s 2004 Presidential contest. Remember that one? When all the left could produce to go up against Dubya was John “Munster” Kerry. Yea, not exactly an inspiring tale. But that’s exactly what is going on right now in the GOP. You’ve got one contender after another basically trying to out-crazy each other to gain public and political favor with a base whose identity changes monthly at best. So for fun, and to indulge these political sycophants, let’s take a look at each one’s merits (if any) and how they’ll inevitably screw it up.
Campaign Slogan: “I’m Hired”
Why he’s in it win it: He’s running on claims that he’s fiscally sound and that he’s created more jobs than President Obama (not sure if this includes Celebrity Apprentice). He’s against pro-choice, gun control, and same-sex marriages. In other words, he’s got his stance on the big talking points, and they are all republican friendly in a broad sense.
Why he’ll screw the pooch: He’s filed for bankruptcy three times so his fiscal policies could be a little questionable. His family values are shoddy at best (how many wives has he had?). He spends his free time mediating fights between NeNe Leakes and Starr Jones, and Gary Busey and Meatloaf. As soon as he is asked to give his stance on anything of substance or to elaborate on his current positions the words “Obama” and “birth certificate” are the only things that seem to come out. Sorry Mr. Trump, but if you can’t come up with anything except a tired issue that’s even been debunked by Bill O’Reilly… ya fired…
Campaign Slogan: “I think I’m gonna need a bigger soapbox…”
Why he’s in it to win it: He’s the social conservative poster boy. The former Baptist Minister has probably one of the most outspoken social agenda’s out there. This is the guy who criticized Natalie Portman for showboating her pregnancy sans marriage to the world after she won her Academy Award earlier this year. He typically holds his rallies and events in Church reception halls and really knows how to energize the religious-minded of the Repbulican base.
Why he’ll screw the pooch: Yay remember that Natalie Portman thing…well unfortunately Mike doesn’t always know when to walk away from a talking point. After his disparagements of Natalie Portman’s pregnancy out of wedlock (btw she’s engaged to the baby’s father) he went on to characterize most single mothers as being under-educated, under-employed, and on welfare. I don’t care how good your platform may be Mr. Huckabee, you’re never going to make it to Pennsylvania Avenue if you continue to alienate the “woman” vote.
Campaign Slogan: “I’d like to give that politician thing a try, maybe.”
Why she’s in it to win it: She’s got a grass roots backing that doesn’t care what she says as long as she’s saying something. And so far, that’s working great for the Reality-TV star. She can deflect any scandal, gaffe, mis-step, etc with the ease of a Kennedy. Here is a woman who claims to be a politician without ever having done anything political, and her supporters love her for it. She knows how to play to the charged emotions of a crowd and she has an uncanny ability to make nothing out of something and something out of nothing. Maybe she’s better at this political thing than we thought…
Why she’ll screw the pooch: Interestingly enough, the same points that will score Palin points, are the same attributes that will lose her any hope of securing the White House. Her “folksiness” has run its course and at this point, she’s acquired all of the support she ever will. Now all she can do (and already is doing) is push away and alienate the rest of the country with her outlandish and baseless remarks.
Campaign Slogan: “Revenge of the Nerds”
Why he’s in it to win it: Pawlenty has been keeping his name in the headlines since Al Franken became a Senator. Recently, the former Governor of Minnesota will show up to the opening of an envelope. Dude is everywhere, so he has the name recognition a candidate needs when going up against an incumbent President. He has in the past talked about wanting to make the Republican Party more accessible to the middle of the spectrum.
Why he’ll screw the pooch: He has recently backtracked and is now seriously courting the Tea Party movers and shakers. Plus, he tried working in a little Charlie Sheen in one of his more recent guest speaking endeavors. Sorry Tim, no amount of tiger’s blood is going to help you at winning in 2012.
Campaign Slogan: In the words of Dick Harpootlian “If Darth Vader could be elected president, he would be my first choice.”
Why he’s in it to win it: He’s a staunch social conservative and was a winning Republican in a traditionally Democratic state (Pennsylvania). He’s proved to be both a fiscal and social conservative, which there aren’t many of so far in this race.
Why he’ll screw the pooch: He’s about 4 years too late. Yes he won in a blue state but he hasn’t done that since 2006 when Bush still had an “ok” approval rating. He is extremely socially conservative with his stances on political staples like abortion rights and illegal immigration.
Even former Bush and McCain advisor Mark McKinnon criticized Santorum as being “dangerous” for the future of a GOP that needs to attract more women and start attracting Latinos.
Michelle Bachmann: See Sarah Palin
Campaign Slogan: “The GOP Dreamboat”
Why he’s in it to win it: This isn’t his first time at the rodeo. Romney went pretty far in the 2008 cycle. He’s learned his lessons and now he’s back. He’s probably one of the best public speakers the Republicans have in that he’s not so new that you can’t possibly take him seriously but he’s not so old that you wonder if he can even spell Twitter. He’s probably the best looking candidate we’ve got in this bunch (not including the ladies) and I think this party learned that lesson in Kennedy vs. Nixon.
Why he’ll screw the pooch: For a man who wants to lead the Republican ticket, a lot of his political history is devoid of Republican stances. In fact, some of his actions are downright liberal. He instituted a healthcare system in Massachusetts that resembles Obamacare way too much for any serious Republican contender. He’s bounced around between pro-choice and pro-life so many times he probably doesn’t remember which life the choice is between. Romney will be hit so hard by his own side in the primaries, they will basically write the script for the Democrats criticisms if he makes it out alive.
Campaign Slogan: “I’m not Tim Pawlenty”
Why he’s in it to win it: Fiscal conservatives…this is your candidate. He doesn’t just talk fiscal policy, he’s lived it. As the Governor of Indiana, he took a $200 million budget deficit and turned it into a $1.3 billion surplus. Plus, he’s known for his Harley Davidson preferences and typically prefers to write his own speeches instead of relying on campaign consultants.
Why he’ll screw the pooch: He once proposed the much dreaded value added tax in a discussion on redesigning or current tax system. This is a shocking and toxic tax for most fiscal hawks because it levies a tax on the estimated market value for products at every stage of production. He once said he wanted to declare a social “truce” with the left side of the aisle.
Haley Barbour: You don’t actually know who he is
Herman Cain: See Haley Barbour
Campaign Slogan: “The Sequel is always better”
Why he’s in it to win it: Newt is the old warhorse of the pack. He’s been around some of the most notorious (note I didn’t say best) politicians his party has ever had. He’s got arguably the best pedigree of any of the contenders so far in this presidential cycle. In a debate he could probably flatten the rest of the competition with little effort (though that’s not really saying much as evidenced by this article).
Why he’ll screw the pooch: The sequel is never better (except for Rocky, the Godfather, and Star Wars). Yes Newt is a seasoned vet, but he’s been run out of town once already. He spent most of the mid to late 90s a punchline instead of a viable political component. He’s been out of the game too long to even know how to play. Not to mention (but I will), he can’t seem to unload one Mrs. Gingrich before acquiring the next. That’s not going to fly with the party of “family values”
Campaign Slogan: “Ron Paul 2008”
Why he’s in it to win it: He’s the token Natar/Paul-esque candidate of this cycle. Every election has one. He’s a libertarian leaning Republican much like Ron Paul before him in 2008.
Why he’ll screw the pooch: He supports legalization of marijuana, same-sex marriages, and abortion. Yea, this dude is going to get creamed in the primaries.
Which candidate do you think has the best shot at a 2012 run against Obama? Who do you think needs to be added to this list?