A Divison Over Dad

Dear G,

First of all, let me give you my condolences over your mother’s passing. It must be horrible to lose a loved one so suddenly, and this – I think – is what your husband is feeling left out of. Let me explain: you, your father and maybe even your kids have been directly affected by your mother’s passing, but your husband’s attitude to shut it out may be the result of not being able to understand or to grieve by himself. He may feel that your attention is focused more on keeping things normal around the house – given your visitor – and he may not know how to support you. My advice to you about your situation is that, instead of trying to tackle it head on, try and give your husband small opportunities where he can take charge again as the man of the house. Let him know that you care about what he thinks when you make decisions and don’t let your father become a higher priority than your relationship with your husband.

If, however, you want to change your situation slightly, you could use your father’s presence to your benefit. By this, I mean that if your husband enjoys going out later at night, leave your kids with your father (but make sure to keep the routine more or less the same, that way it won’t alarm the kids).

On the other hand, you could always look into getting your father a place to stay that is far enough for you and your family to enjoy their privacy, but close enough that he could visit. This could be anything from a garage apartment to a house around the block to a flat close to a local bus station. The most important thing that you can do at the moment has been done already: realize that there is a problem. Now, all you have to do is take small steps to fixing it. Don’t go straight to the worst case scenario (a divorce) – don’t let it be an option.

Best of luck,

Tara